Dastardly Devolutions
by Lemonsnaps
Summary: Natsu, Erza, Lucy, and Gray, struck with a bad case of loneliness from doing separate missions, have decided to have a reunion. Hilarity ensues. No pairings.


A/N –Crack fic! You have been warned…

…

Chapter 1

Location

– Guild Hall, private party setting –

– Mid morning –

Our fairies were busy decorating the Guild Hall and seeing to the dinner preparations for their reunion. Lucy and Gray, who had gone to pick up Wendy from the train station, had not yet returned. For reasons unknown, Loke had chosen to help Natsu and Erza set up the hall. Everyone was working very hard…Well, almost everyone.

Natsu stood unsteadily on the top rung of the rickety ladder that Happy was holding for him. He stretched, but was unable to reach the top of the loft's iron railing. From where he was lounging at a table with his feet up, Loke could see the fire mage thinking. The fastidious celestial spirit knew what was going to happen, so he settled down to watch. Natsu was so predictable. It would do no good to tell him that he could have just tied them on _from_ the loft.

The fire user held the bundle of sparkly streamers in his mouth and, against all common sense, stood with one foot on one end of each stringer (that's the vertical part of the ladder, if you didn't know). It was about that time that physics took over and a combination of pressure, directional forces, gravity, and very old wood caused the ladder to fall apart. His blue cat fled as ladder debris rained down, leaving Natsu balancing on what looked like Fiore's crummiest stilts.

Loke, who had lifted nothing heavier than a glass of wine since arriving (why help when it would be much more fun to watch?) raised his glass in salute. He had seen a lot of stupidity in his day, but this was by far some of the stupidest. He watched in utter amazement as his fellow guild member managed, for a few seconds, to stay balanced. Then amidst cries and grunts of alarm, Natsu's legs began to wobble as his subconscious handed him the reigns of Self-Preservation.

The brain is a wonderful organ that can process thousands of signals on a subconscious level, and react to them before you can blink. Most of the time humans aren't even aware that it's happening. It does things like process sounds, changes in pressure, sights, smells, and disturbances in the magnetic field, then reacts by sending nerve impulses that raise your arm in time to deflect a bird that has flown off course from colliding with your head. Then you say something like 'Wow! That was lucky!' and turn right into the rest of the flock, because now that you are aware of the danger, the subconscious turns things over to you.

Now that Natsu was in total control of his body again, he did what most people do: he panicked. His arms whirled around as if they were trying to make a jump for safety on their own, while his legs fought to keep from going horizontal. There was a bad and very painful moment when they did, and it was a sight that would haunt Loke and certain parts of Natsu for years to come. The boy somehow managed to avoid ending up with his knees beside his ears and brought his legs together with a 'clack!'.

Natsu had avoided The Great Divide, but in doing so had over balanced. The human body was not the most balanced form in nature. In fact, the very act of walking was nothing more than an indefinitely postponed fall. As it was, if he were lucky he could have fallen against the wall and grabbed the railing, which was now in reach. The trouble is, gods like a good laugh as much as the next omnipresent deity, so with streamers trailing from his mouth like a doomed comet, Natsu fell into Loke instead.

Loke rose from the tangled wreckage of wood and body parts with a groan. He gingerly touched the bump on his head and shoved one of Natsu's legs (it had to have been one of Natsu's, because if one of his own legs had been lying across his chest, he would be having problems very soon) off of him. It was a rather large lump of the variety that you didn't even need to touch to know that it was there. It was hard to miss in the way it's hard to miss the fact that someone has laid carpeting down over the cat. In Loke's case it looked like a cactus was in mid-sprout to one side of his forehead.

Erza, who had been absorbed in putting up her own set of streamers on the other side of the room, turned at the loud crash of the ladder breaking and stared in shock at the tableau of wood and limbs spread out on the floor before her. "Are you alright?" Erza asked quietly, pulling her friend to his feet, and wondering when he was going to notice the big maroon wine stains marring his jacket and shirt. "Yes, it's only a bruise," The dashing spirit replied reassuringly as he prodded his affliction to make sure that 1) yes, it hurt, and 2) yes, it was huge.

"It's rather unsightly, but I've had…" Loke trailed off. He had noticed the stains.

Loke prided himself on his ability to appear immaculate, dashing, and posh whether he was charming a lady, fighting masses of dark guilds, sipping brandy, or all three at the same time. He had high personal standards to uphold and they included always, ALWAYS looking his best. The celestial spirit might have strategically withdrawn (a.k.a., run away) on occasion, or come back empty handed, but he did it with style and a clean shirt. As far as Loke was concerned, stains were something that happened to other people.

Erza waited patiently while her friend fussed over his clothes. The requip mage appeared to be quite concerned about the lump on her friend's head, and she had good reason. Head wounds could be serious things in her experience. They brought on any number of strange symptoms and side effects. Erza had once spent a week listening to Gray babble about the pixies living in his eyebrows, and trying to convince him that his underpants were not to be worn as a cap. Once had been quite enough for her, not that Gray remembered any of it.

After making sure that Natsu was okay, Happy brought the smooth-talking spirit a damp towel. He was glad that Natsu was unhurt, aside from some mild groinal strain. He was pretty resilient and had already busied himself with helping several other guild members clean up the wreckage. If Loke hadn't broken his fall, who knows what might have happened to him. Happy turned to Loke, who was arguing with Erza.

"The stains will never come out, you know," He sighed dejectedly.

"Don't worry," Happy offered, "I bet if you give me your shirt and vest, Lucy'd be happy to get them washed for you before the stains set in."

"What! My beloved Lucy! I couldn't possibly-!" Loke began.

"Just give them to her!" Erza said sternly, in a tone that kicked argument out the door.

"Erza, please! A Leading Man never disrobes in front-!"

"Now."

"Fine," Loke grumbled, shrugging out of the stained clothing and handing them over. He took the proffered towel and began wiping himself off.

"That's for your head," Erza informed him.

"I'm just trying to get the wine off. I don't want to go around smelling like a drunk," Loke retorted disdainfully. The requip waited. She knew what was coming next and mentally mouthed along as Leo the Lion said, "I don't suppose there's any place I can take a bath around here, is there?"

"Upstairs, in the owner's quarters," Happy replied cheerfully as he took the clothes away. "Master won't mind."

"That will do." Loke smiled, pleased.

He opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Erza interjected. "Yes, your spare clothes are right here." The requip mage pulled out a bundle and handed it to the vain spirit. It was nice having a magical space to store things in. It meant your weapons, and in Loke's case, extra clothes, were always on hand. Erza just wished her friends would carry their own things.

"Isn't she wonderful?" Loke said charmingly to the room at large as he headed upstairs.

Natsu watched Loke swagger away and, not for the first time, wondered about the celestial spirit. He still didn't know much about the lion. Natsu looked up from his musings to see Happy and Erza deep in serious conversation. The boy suddenly stiffened, noticing the hunched forms and tense whispering. It was no normal conversation he was witnessing. This was a conspiratory huddle. Usually, when friends went into this type of huddle, it meant that someone was going to get some humorously cruel, and well-deserved attention. Mischief was afoot. Natsu hurried over.

Erza gave Happy a covert nod as Loke came downstairs adjusting his cuffs and whistling. He struck a pose at the foot of the stairs and said "I clean up rather well, don't you think?"

"Yes," Erza agreed, "aside from the lump." Loke frowned at the unnecessary reminder. He'd had plenty of time to notice how huge the goose egg was when he'd checked his eyebrows in the bathroom mirror. "Come sit," Erza said, helpfully steering the man to a nearby chair. "We have something that will help your injury."

"Will it remove the horrid thing marring my good looks?" Loke inquired, just in case someone, in the last five minutes, had invented a way to remove boulder-sized bruises.

"No, but it will bring down the swelling," Happy said, bringing over a jar of ointment and handing it to the red headed mage.

"Sit," Erza repeated, pushing the spirit into the chair. Loke was a little suspicious. His past experiences with in-field wound care had consisted of finding a way to cover, wrap, or plug a wound while standing or, ideally, disappearing into the Spirit world. Later, once the hubbub had died down, you did it up yourself unless you couldn't reach it. Suddenly having Erza ask him to sit down for her made Loke uneasy. But, then again, how often _did_ a beautiful red headed requip mage ask you to sit for her while she put her hands on you? Loke relaxed a little as his Ego nudged Caution aside and leaned back expectantly.

"Having my wounds tended by lovely ladies, eh? I should get hurt more often," he teased.

From his perch by the bar, Natsu made a disgusted noise as Erza shook her head wearily. "Just close your eyes."

Location

– Heartfillia Manor –

– Close to noon –

Why was she here again? Oh yeah, because she didn't want to feel guilty for not visiting her father on his birthday. She was _supposed_ to go with Gray to the Magnolia Train Station. Now she would be meeting both him and Wendy at the train station. Well, if she knew it would turn into this, she wouldn't have visited at all! Though she had come to visit him, he had left her there alone for a business meeting! Worse yet, he made sure to hire a couple guards to watch her.

Lucy had ditched her father's guards and the manor, and was on her way to meet Wendy and Gray at the train station. Lucy strolled purposefully into the train station. Her father had been against her going and had been vehemently against her associating with mages, where she might be robbed, kidnapped, or undressed by the eyes of unscrupulous people (like mages). Though she had somewhat repaired her relationship with her father over time, Lucy would hear none of it. She was an independent young women, not a princess, and she could jolly well do what she pleased. That dusty old geezer would just have to jolly well like it!

The guards at the gate had given her a little trouble…

"I'm sorry, Ms. Lucy, but we can't allow you to go out unescorted," One of the guards had said, stepping forward to bar her path.

"You would refuse the wish of Mr. Heartfilia's heir?" Lucy had asked with noble incredulity (which is more dangerous than regular incredulity seeing as it is often accompanied by a stony silence which is followed by the phrase 'Off with his head!', or 'Take him to the dungeons!').

The harried guard rallied and replied, "Oh no, Ms. Lucy! It is not our place to tell you what to do. But what would we tell your father if he found out that we saw you leave without proper protection? Some churl might try to undress you with his eyes!" Lucy could think of one person who fit that description and probably had done it many times already, and he was currently at the guild hall, helping Natsu and Erza. She handled the problem by saying, "Then, as your future employer, I command you not to see me leaving."

The guard shifted uneasily, weighing his options. On the one hand, it was his duty to protect the heiress, and her father, who supplied his wages, would not be happy to find that he had allowed the young lady to go traipsing about without bodyguards or even worse, their permission. On the other hand, he had just been given a direct order by said heiress and disobeying could not only ruin his chances for promotion, but bring his career to a very terminal end. The guard squirmed wretchedly under Lucy's gaze, then turned slowly to his companion, and said carefully, "Did you just hear something?"

The other guard, who was a little brighter than his friend, and determined to have a long career involving promotions and living to see those promotions, replied, "No, sir. And I didn't SEE nuthin' neither, sir."

"That's the spirit gentlemen!" Lucy said brightly, slipping through the gates. Who did her father think he was, to order her around after a long time of not caring at all.

Manic with relief, the second guard nudged his companion and leered. "There it was again, sir, but I can't see where it's coming from."

The first guard sniffed in a bored manner and said, "Must have been a bird. The little devils are everywhere."


End file.
